Sexual Consent & Boundaries

Sexual Consent & Boundaries In The News | Relationship Healing

I am grateful for all the conversations that are happening about sexual consent & boundaries and sexual education. I have been studying, teaching and partnering with women and men for years.  I know many of you have come to my wellness events on these things for the past decade.  I was sad when I first heard something about Aziz Ansari and sexual misconduct.  I believe my first response was “Dang it, another one.”  I didn’t even read about it.  Then I read about people taking a stand against “Grace”, the victim.  I heard she didn’t leave earlier. She continued to go along with things, even though she said no.  Now mostly I heard from women.  All these comments came from women.

I wanted to understand this a little better.  As anyone who knows me can vouch, I love understanding human behavior.  I have many different opinions about this.  My first post, I thought, should be my vulnerable share.  How I feel.

So my first thoughts that came up about women deciding that she didn’t stand up and leave earlier are these;

A lot of women,  (not all-please don’t try on the shoe if you feel it doesn’t fit) NEEDED her to leave earlier because they have been in that situation.  We have been on a date and it escalated quicker than we wanted.  They decided it was a sex date not a get to know you date.  We did speak up.  We did give our non verbal communications to slow down.  We did do things, we caved.  It may have felt easier, it may have felt like the nice thing to do, or it just felt safer for us to.

Sometimes when we are told to lighten up or that sex is just fun. We want to believe that, even though we know deep down it isn’t what we want or are ready for.

Sometimes we may think maybe I didn’t give him enough cues because we know that if we pushed something on someone and they said no, we would stop.  So obviously, we need to try to say NO a different way.

We may have wanted “Grace” to leave the situation earlier so that we too know it’s okay to leave earlier.  We want to know we aren’t prudish or rude to do so.  We don’t have to people please.  We don’t have to worry about his “blue balls”.  We shouldn’t have to be worried for our safety to leave when he expects sex.

Men when sexually aroused can seem scary and single focused.  I think her leaving that date at all, took courage.

There is a whole other side to this I want to explore.  How did he not see or care to see what was happening on her end?  What are we teaching boys?  What have men been allowed to get away with?  This is a human issue.  This is what all of these public situations are illuminating for us.  We can change how we do, see, teach, and handle sexual energy, boundaries and communication.  I am committed to this.  It’s my life work.

My life coaching practice, my conscious sexuality practice, and my relationship healing practice came from a passion for us all to be seen and respected.  I want to be part of the solution.  I desire to continue to talk about what needs to be done.

If you feel triggered on issues surrounding consent, boundaries, men, trauma, I am here and open to hold space for you.

Men, I am always open to hear your opinions, your side to all of this.  Do you have thoughts about Aziz Ansari or any of the men in the limelight?  Please reach out to me and know I want to hear from you.

 

We are love

Amanda

Related Corporate Training Topic: Consent in the Workplace.  Wellness Speaker & Relationship Coach Amanda Wright conducts a a workshop & speaking engagement on the topic of Consent in the Workplace. Contact us for more information and to schedule an event.

For Dori Orr, A coin to mark our travels

Amanda & Dori’s Adventure, Part 2

2 weeks after I picked up her ashes – I found the perfect wooden box for her. It came from Hawaii fit my hand. I had to look up the protocol for bringing ashes on planes, through customs in foreign countries. I’m still a little unclear, but so far I haven’t been detained. So begins the adventure of Amanda and Dori Orr.

Our first trip she went with me while I volunteered in Namibia, building walls around water tanks to keep the peace between farmers and elephants. She went on official game counts for the government of Namibia to assist in census of their animals. We then went to South Africa to spend days watching elephants and other incredible creatures roam. I left some of her ashes off the coast of Africa in the Atlantic Ocean. An ocean she knew well. I told her I would race her back to the East Coast of America to see if her ashes or I made it there first.

It was a full moon and I was in a town called Swakopmund. I couldn’t have planned a more clear and beautiful night to release her ashes. I learned something that night. Ashes off the shore line don’t actually blow easily into the water. The wind and the water spray don’t make it as easy as it looks in the movies. I think I ended up with more of Dori’s ashes in my nose and eyes than in the water. That’s about right for her and I. We weren’t ever called graceful for sure.

Dori loved studying places and people and animals.

In this life she would have been saddened by the issues Africa faces. She also fought and protested for what was right.

She would have been excited to see elephants and giraffes and hippos and lions and snakes all in the wild. Conservation and nature is what she taught her children to respect.

She would have loved sleeping under the stars and seeing all that Africa offered firsthand. I’m grateful she is still with me.

This was the first adventure of many this year.

I wrote about them all. Alaska, Canada, Scotland, Ireland, and England. I didn’t get much better at getting the ashes in the water, but I hear her laugh every time I mess it up.

I do know she would have been without carrying her ashes with me. There is just something healing and therapeutic about physically having a part of her on my journeys. There will always be a piece that grieves for Dori in this life. This just reminds me to celebrate her.

I hope for those that grieve that you can find the things that give you a little peace.

NOTE: As a Certified Life Coach of over 15 years, I’ve helped people with grief recovery. Please contact me if you’re dealing with grief of any kind – it would be my honor to work with you. Or check my events calendar for upcoming wellness events by Wright Now Wellness.

Another travel coin for Dori Orr

“I will keep you with me on all my adventures”… for Dori Orr, Part 1

My beautiful friend Dori Orr  unexpectedly passed away in May 2015. I got the call while landing in Salt Lake City, my layover for my trip to California for a family celebration. As any of you who have experienced loss of a friend or loved one knows,  your world becomes shaky and blurry for a while. I vaguely remember turning right around to fly home, the memorial we put together or the encouraging words I said or heard from mutual friends and loved ones.

I do remember panicking about what the correct feeling or response her young children should or shouldn’t be having. I do remember yelling and screaming and then realizing I don’t actually know an adults “correct” response and that I had no idea how children should feel. I wanted to be there for her husband yet every time I saw him the pain seemed to intensify. I was a rough first year. I missed her so much.

2 years later on Her Month – the month of her birth, her anniversary and her death – I decided to start a lifetime of adventures with Dori. I wanted her to see the world with me. I awkwardly asked her husband for some of her ashes. He immediately agreed and so started my healing.

She loved travel. She LOVED water; I think she was actually a mermaid. In her life we didn’t travel as much together as we wanted. She was a home school teacher, raised chickens, and did massage from home…and anything creative or artistic you could think of.

So a few great beach trips, a few mountain trips, a few concerts and lots of nights at her house, that was our short decade together.

I was excited and nervous and surprisingly comfortable to go pick up her ashes and start our travels together. It’s what we always talked about.

I picked her up on her birthday and made this promise:

I will let your toes touch every magical body of water around the world I can get to. I will release a few ashes in each of them. I will keep you with me on all my adventures. I will think of you at every amazing place and event I experience. I love you in all your forms-life, spirit and ashes.

So my next post, I would love to share the adventures of Dori and I of 2017. We have been around the world and had some amazing adventures, just as she always wanted. I cannot express the healing that has come from all of this.