I am grateful for all the conversations that are happening about sexual consent & boundaries and sexual education. I have been studying, teaching and partnering with women and men for years. I know many of you have come to my wellness events on these things for the past decade. I was sad when I first heard something about Aziz Ansari and sexual misconduct. I believe my first response was “Dang it, another one.” I didn’t even read about it. Then I read about people taking a stand against “Grace”, the victim. I heard she didn’t leave earlier. She continued to go along with things, even though she said no. Now mostly I heard from women. All these comments came from women.
I wanted to understand this a little better. As anyone who knows me can vouch, I love understanding human behavior. I have many different opinions about this. My first post, I thought, should be my vulnerable share. How I feel.
So my first thoughts that came up about women deciding that she didn’t stand up and leave earlier are these;
A lot of women, (not all-please don’t try on the shoe if you feel it doesn’t fit) NEEDED her to leave earlier because they have been in that situation. We have been on a date and it escalated quicker than we wanted. They decided it was a sex date not a get to know you date. We did speak up. We did give our non verbal communications to slow down. We did do things, we caved. It may have felt easier, it may have felt like the nice thing to do, or it just felt safer for us to.
Sometimes when we are told to lighten up or that sex is just fun. We want to believe that, even though we know deep down it isn’t what we want or are ready for.
Sometimes we may think maybe I didn’t give him enough cues because we know that if we pushed something on someone and they said no, we would stop. So obviously, we need to try to say NO a different way.
We may have wanted “Grace” to leave the situation earlier so that we too know it’s okay to leave earlier. We want to know we aren’t prudish or rude to do so. We don’t have to people please. We don’t have to worry about his “blue balls”. We shouldn’t have to be worried for our safety to leave when he expects sex.
Men when sexually aroused can seem scary and single focused. I think her leaving that date at all, took courage.
There is a whole other side to this I want to explore. How did he not see or care to see what was happening on her end? What are we teaching boys? What have men been allowed to get away with? This is a human issue. This is what all of these public situations are illuminating for us. We can change how we do, see, teach, and handle sexual energy, boundaries and communication. I am committed to this. It’s my life work.
My life coaching practice, my conscious sexuality practice, and my relationship healing practice came from a passion for us all to be seen and respected. I want to be part of the solution. I desire to continue to talk about what needs to be done.
If you feel triggered on issues surrounding consent, boundaries, men, trauma, I am here and open to hold space for you.
Men, I am always open to hear your opinions, your side to all of this. Do you have thoughts about Aziz Ansari or any of the men in the limelight? Please reach out to me and know I want to hear from you.
We are love
Related Corporate Training Topic: Consent in the Workplace. Wellness Speaker & Relationship Coach Amanda Wright conducts a a workshop & speaking engagement on the topic of Consent in the Workplace. Contact us for more information and to schedule an event.